1. Sing 99 bottles of beer on the Wall in Yiddish
2.Tell them how much you admire their shoes. Ask them if they are made of wool. Remark how much you love wool and what a versatile fabric it is. Move on to their pants. Ask if *they* are wool. Do this for every item of clothing they have on. Talk about wool a LOT.
3.Ask them what their name is. When they answer, say “Wow! That’s my name, too!” Five minutes later, ask them what their name is again. Say “OH YEAH…that’s right!” Do this every five minutes for the rest of the trip.
4. Tell them what beautiful eyes they have. Ask “Are they real?”
5. Ask them where their yellow hat is. Tell them that the last person you sat next to was wearing a yellow hat. Demand to know what happened to the hat. Make a sketch of the hat “for police records”. Ask if they happen to have a yellow crayon you could borrow.
6. When they are quiet say “I’m sorry…were you talking to me?” Ignore them when they try to speak to you.
7. Ask permission for everything you do, like, “Mind if I uncross my legs?” and “I was thinking of stretching my arm…is that okay with you?”
8. Annotate the bus trip as if you were an announcer at a sports event: “And we’re here at the Bonanza bus station, April fourth, 1995, a be-autiful spring morning…and we’re all ready to go. Phil is getting himself situated; that’s Phil the bus driver, who by the way, was looking pretty good this morning when I saw him practicing with the gas and brake pedals, so lets just hope that he can have a repeat performance, and I think we can all agree that would be just *super*. Okay, they’ve given the all clear, and …THEY”RE OFF!!! It’s Phil in the front but here comes a Volkswagen Rabbit not far behind in the left lane, Phils picking up speed. Don’t forget that yield at the cornder Philly…”
9. Put together five piece childrens puzzles. When you get to the last piece sit and stare at the puzzle for ten minutes, then get upset and yell out “DAMNIT! I can NEVER get these things!” Throw all the pieces to the floor and sulk in the seat for a few minutes. Eye the puzzle slowly, and mumble “Damn Mensa groups and their impossible games!”
10. Start up rounds of “Dirty Boulevard” or “In-a-gadda-vida”
11. Before the bus starts off, pass out questionnaires to everyone on the bus asking them to describe in 200 words or less why they are worthy to sit next to you. Hold a drawing for “one lucky winner and a companion”
12. Speak in 1950’s sitcom-eese. Use words like “Kooky”, “Wacky”, and “Keen”. Call the person “Pally” and “Chum”. Ask him or her if they “enjoy rock and roll music…that is what the kids are listening to now a days, isn’t it?”
13. Place bets on events that have already taken place. Say things like “I’ll lay two to one odds that hte South wins this Civil War thing.”
14. Whenever you pass another bus, act amazed and say “How can I be in there…when I’m in here???”
15. Ask if they have a stick of butter you could borrow. When they answer, sigh and say, “Never mind, it’s too late now anyway!”
16. When first sitting down, sink into the seat, breath a heavy sigh and excaim “Ahhhh….it’s good to be home!” Take out a remote control and pretend to change channels. Say that the batteries must be dead. Fall asleep and snore loudly. Wake up and say “Hey! I was watching that!”
17.Take out a pack of gum and say “Boy, my ears are popping already!” Talk about how the people *really do* look like antsfrom way up here. Wonder out loud where the stewardess is.
18. Pretend that you are driving the bus, and call out all the stops. Make honking noises. Complain about how bad the brakes are.
19. Talk about how excited you are to be on a bus. Sing songs with the word ‘bus’ in the lyrics, “Bus, bus, magic bus…” while wiggling around in the seat. Squeal a lot. Take pictures.
20. Act like a late night talk show host. Interview the person sitting next to you. Say things like “Do we have a clip of that?” and “We’ll be right back after these commercials.”
21. Spray the seat with Lysol before you sit down. Place a hanky on the armrest separating the two seats. Sit as far away from the person as possible. Ask if they happen to have an immunization record handy. Offer to let them see yours.
22. Let go of a clothespin hard on your finger. Scream in pain and say “WOW! Now I know never to do *that* again!” Do it again.
23. Overstate the obvious. “Woah, woah, we’re moving now…here we go. We’re on a bus, you know. We’re on the street, I think, no, we’re definitely on a street. Hey everybody…we’re driving on a bus! Weeee! Here we go..”
24. Ask if they sell Amway. Act disappointed when they say no. Say how much you were REALLY looking forward to sitting next to someone who sold Amway. Ask if they could just *pretend* for a little while.
25. Fondle a plastic knife while singing “The End” under your breath. Make small stabbing motions into the air in front of you. In a monotone voice say “Ironic that it would end THIS way…” and smile vaguely. Speak very loudly when you get to the part about the bus.
26. Clutch a metal thermos close to your chest. Fondle it gently and speak to it saying, “It’s all right my pet, we’ll be there soon enough..” Take the top off and drink from it carefully. Replace the cap and massage it softly, whispering, “Thank you my darling…thank you.”
27. Ask them which way they place the toilet paper on the roll. When they answer, eye them suspiciously, get up, and switch seats. Come back five minutes later and say that despite your personal differences you should still be able to sit next to each other in peace. Offer to kiss and make up.
28. Remark, “Isn’t it ironic how the very people that you kill are the very same people that you need to come to pick you up when you’re finally set free?”
29. Offer to share everything with them. If you apply capstick or file your nails, ask excitedly, “Want some?” When they say no, act hurt, shrug your shoulders, and say “Just thought I’d ask…”
30. Brag about every day events like, “I washed my hair this morning…all by myself! Then I used a towel to dry it. Did you ever wash YOUR hair all by yourself? Do YOU use a towel?”
31. Ask them if they think it’s normal to still have an umbilical cord at 32.
32. Speak only in quotes from Carpenters songs.
33. Narrate your entire trip. “She walked over to teh seat, and, eyeing him strangely, decided that this looked like as good a place as any to spend the lengthy drive from 9th to 22nd street. ‘Hello’ she said, but the strange man did not answer, at least, not right away…”
34. Hang a fishing pole out the window. Tug on the line a few times and wonder out loud why you can never seem to catch any fish. Decide that it was because you are using the wrong kind of bait, pack your stuff and say “Tomorrow I’ll come prepared”
35. Treat the person next to you like a baby. Say in a funny voice “Are you having fun? Ooh…do you want a rattle? He wants his silly rattle, yes he does, yes he does…”
36. Ask them if they watch QVC. Tell them that you just happened to have taped a particularly good episode about Cubic Zirconia’s. Ask if they would like to borrow it. Demand that they tell you their address so you can mail it to them.
37. Ask them if they would like some ice cream. Reach into your pocket and feel around for a few seconds, then say, “Oh well, must have left it at home!” Clean your hand off for the next five minutes.
38. Picket the bus. Sit cross legged in the middle of the rows and chant about how public transportation is Nazi propeganda. Try to convince other patrons not to get on. Offer to trade in their tokens for toys.
39. Pretend to recite pi. Start off, “3.141592, 3, 4, 5, 6 ,78, 9, 10, 11,12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23,24,25,26,27,28,29,THIRTY…31,32, 33,34.
40. At the first possible opportunity get extremely excited at the primitive invention, like paper. Demand to know all about it, Say, “Wait til I tell the guys about this one!” Ask if you can take a little piece with you, “just for verification”