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101 Facts About Chuck Norris

  1. Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.
  2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
  3. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
  4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
  5. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
  6. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
  7. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
  8. Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
  9. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a f***ing Indian.
  10. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
  11. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
  12. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over thePacific Ocean.
  13. Crop circles are Chuck Norris’ way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f*** down.
  14. Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
  15. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
  16. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds ’till.” After you ask, “Two seconds ’til what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
  17. Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
  18. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
  19. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
  20. -REMOVED-
  21. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
  22. Chuck Norris doesn’t churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
  23. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
  24. The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’ fist.
  25. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
  26. Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
  27. Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
  28. Chuck Norris originally appeared in the “Street Fighter II” video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked about this “glitch,” Norris replied, “That’s no glitch.”
  29. The opening scene of the movie “Saving Private Ryan” is loosely based on games of dodge ball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
  30. Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
  31. Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth’s atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
  32. Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
  33. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren’t the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
  34. Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
  35. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
  36. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris
  37. Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle — you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
  38. Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in forty-seven seconds.
  39. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb.
  40. If you say Chuck Norris’ name in Mongolia, the people there will roundhouse kick you in his honor. Their kick will be followed by the REAL roundhouse delivered by none other than Norris himself.
  41. Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
  42. Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
  43. The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
  44. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
  45. Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
  46. Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.
  47. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
  48. There are no weapons of mass destruction. Just Chuck Norris.
  49. Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a “Who has more -REMOVED-?” contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
  50. Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck’s gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
  51. Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.
  52. When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesn’t get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.
  53. Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a -REMOVED- in it.
  54. There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
  55. Chuck Norris can’t finish a “color by numbers” because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.
  56. A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
  57. When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn’t get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
  58. Chuck Norris’s urine was the main ingredient for balco’s designer steroids. Therefore, Chuck Norris is actually the all-time single-season home run king.
  59. Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
  60. Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
  61. -REMOVED-
  62. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? …All of it.
  63. Chuck Norris doesn’t actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
  64. In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald’s in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be “Norrisized”.
  65. Chuck Norris CAN believe it’s not butter.
  66. If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.
  67. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
  68. Newton’s Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
  69. Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It’s called Chuck-Will-Kill.
  70. When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
  71. While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
  72. Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.
  73. When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.
  74. -REMOVED-
  75. Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.
  76. Chuck Norris doesn’t shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
  77. -REMOVED-
  78. When taking the SAT, write “Chuck Norris” for every answer. You will score a 1600.
  79. Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
  80. When you’re Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.
  81. Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
  82. On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
  83. Nobody dislikes Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.
  84. Chuck Norris doesn’t throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!
  85. In the beginning there was nothing…then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said “Get a job”. That is the story of the universe.
  86. Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.
  87. Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
  88. Archeologists unearthed an old English dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined “victim” as “one who has encountered Chuck Norris”
  89. Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
  90. Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
  91. If you Google search “Chuck Norris getting his butt kicked” you will generate zero results. It just doesn’t happen.
  92. Chuck Norris doesn’t bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
  93. The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. there were no survivors and the pilot episode tape has been burned.
  94. Chuck Norris brings the noise AND the funk.
  95. You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.
  96. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
  97. When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn’t walk around people. He walks through them
  98. James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
  99. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
  100. Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his mother’s womb.
  101. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Back to Things To Do

Please Comment…

30 Responses

  1. Awesome ! Love these jokes !

  2. lol! can u email me the removed ones?
    thncx
    Sssaam: No, sorry, you have too much curiosity!

  3. whoa sssaam, do u read minds or wat? i was gonna put that on my blog but i kept puttin it off until the next day im kinda mad (srry) it almost seems like my ideas r being stolen away…
    Pablo: Sreimer posted this… not Sssaam…

  4. 91 is not true. Try it out for yourself.

  5. Hey this one is good ;):
    Chuck Norris has a nightlight
    it’s not because Chuck is afraid of the dark
    ITS BECAUSE THE DARK IT AFRAID OF HIM!

  6. Chuck Norris is so fast he can run around the world and hit himself in the back of the head.

  7. Two other Google ones:
    If you type in Chuck Norris, it says “We’re sorry, but Google has realized that you don’t find Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris finds you.”(This one used to work.)
    AND
    If you mispell Chuck Norris in Google, instead of :
    ‘Did you mean Chuck Norris?’ it says,
    ‘Run while you still can.’

  8. Lol, but who the heck is Chuck Norris?!?!

    Sssaam: I’m speechless.

  9. I don’t know who he is either…
    Pablo: I’m even more speechless.

  10. Chuck Norris learnt his roundhouse kick from God which is why it’s so powerful!!!

  11. no. 91. I googled that and got 27,900 results……. i dont believe it……. 😥
    Pablo: Go to google, search “Find Chuck Norris”, and click “I’m Feeling Lucky”.

  12. who is chunk norris
    Pablo: I’m tempted to make a post. To many people don’t know who Chuck Norris is, it just isn’t right!!!
    Sreimer: Amen Pablo but i think they r just the peps from outside of the US

  13. Chuck Norris was once denied a McSkillet at McDonald’s because it was 12:35 P.M. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it so hard it became a Arby’s.

  14. Handicap signs only mean that they belong to Chuck Norris, and that if you park there you will be handicapped.
    If you can see Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris, you maybe only seconds away from death.
    Chuck Norris can beleive it’s not butter.
    Chuck Norris puppy has trained itself to use a litter box and a scooper. This is because Chuck Norris takes crap from noone.

  15. Pure freaking genious lol. here are some more, they might be there but i couldnt read em on:

    1. Chuck Norris slammed a revolving door.
    2. Chuck Norris can bring horses to water and make them drink.
    3. Chuck norris doesn’t have a visisble mark in the hollywood walk of fame. but he has a mark.

  16. chuck norris can blow bubbles with beef jerkey

  17. all very true facts

  18. Oh I got one!

    When Chuck Norris does a push-up he doesn’t push UP he pushes the Earth DOWN.

  19. what happened to the list of *enter number here* things you can do at/on *enter place here*

    Sam: We still have that. Where have you been?

  20. Out of curiosity, why do you remove some of them?

    Sam: They’re inapropriate.

  21. 90 is probably my favorite. Hilariousness! Wait… is that a word?

    ~Cali+Girl=Caligirl

  22. Oh, ok. Thanks.

  23. How many push-ups can Chuck Norris do? All of them.
    Chuck Norris wants EVERYBODY to vote Yfrog in the doodle contest.

  24. wow nobody is as awesome as chuck norris. you guys have the funniest website ever!

  25. oh and is chick norris a wrestler or was he in a movie. inkow he does round house kicks and crap like that but i dont know much of any thing else.lol

  26. o crud! i put chick norris! somebody hide me from him! ill be dead in–goes offline is killed by chuck

  27. Iv’e got a really good one. When chuck Norris fires a gun he doesnt fire bullets he fire miniture chuck norris’s at his victim the miniature chucks then Round house the victim in the heart

  28. I enjoy, lead to I found exactly what I was having
    a look for. You have ended my 4 day lengthy hunt!
    God Bless you man. Have a great day. Bye

  29. chuck norris kill 50 people with a gun, then started firing

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